InMeditations

Bumpy road ahead, but I will breathe again

photo (14)

After two weeks of an unwarranted hiatus, I’m writing. I’m back.

I have been MIA these past two weeks. Life threw me in for a loop (or maybe it came to a screeching halt) and we all know how that can be. Right? And I’m not going to call them curve balls. These were downright strikeouts. I’m still not one hundred percent recovered from the hit, but adversity is not foreign to me. (Like I said here,Happiness never really taught me much) Let’s put it this way, at this point, hard times have just become an unbearable ennui, but I’m still standing. Perhaps psychologically, emotionally injured, but it didn’t knock me down. Isn’t that something? It’s true what they say. The more hardships you experience in life, the stronger you undeniably become. I have always been a strong person, but my strength sometimes catches even me by surprise.

So what’s up?

Lately I feel as if I have been blindfolded, thrown into the middle of the ocean, with no life jacket, and no haven or relief in sight. (Good thing I’m a strong swimmer) And however much I love the ocean and long for it, right now I’m in stormy seas. I can swim, but to where? I don’t know which direction I should take? Maybe I don’t want to go to the shore I have always found solace. Perhaps I seek now different sands? Or maybe, in some twisted way, I want the waves to swallow me whole. Maybe it’s not the shore I seek. Maybe it’s an island, or a boat, or a ship, or the moon, or stars, or an entirely different planet. Somewhere quiet. Some solitude. Or perhaps I’m so use to drowning that drowning doesn’t even bother me anymore and hence I don’t realize that is what’s actually happening.

I am f*&@ing drowning. The wind has been knocked out of me.

Yet I refuse to believe that I won’t find my way out of these depths. I have done it many times before. I can do it again. I just won’t be the same when I come back. In the inside, my soul resembles an old raggedy doll who has been tucked away in the attic for years. You can see the eye fell off once, but now it’s being held in place by this black thread, and the head is off to one side, there’s a patch of old fabric where the nose was, and the once colorful dress is dusty and completely washed out. It’s me, but a mutilated version of me. Believe me, it’s the kind of shit you feel in your bones.

I read once an old Buddhist saying, “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”  Do you think it’s true? I do.

So it’s one step at a time Linjen. (This is what I tell myself every morning) One step at a time. Take a deep breath. And though it seems right now as if this is an insurmountable obstacle, recall your boundless love for Ishaan. Love, after all, I believe, overcomes all. Just take it one day at a time. And breathe. Don’t forget to breathe. Life isn’t perfect. Love isn’t perfect. And others aren’t perfect, much less you. You have a vision, perhaps visions, realize them in spite of bumpy roads. Ishaan is depending on you. Let your love for him be a compass to do what is right. You’ll see. With time, everything will be extraordinary.

 

 

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9 Comments

  • Belkys

    Deep breaths are good no doubt. And yes, life will become a series of unexpected curve balls or roller coaster; whichever analogy is more real to you. It’s been that way for me so I’m assuming it’s true. The Buddhist was right on anger and there are simple exercises developed to help you get rid of it and whoever it’s directed towards. You will find a way out. I always did until I fell into the next hole.

    February 27, 2015 at 9:15 pm Reply
    • soulconalas

      Doesn’t it always just happen? You overcome one hit, only to get slapped in the face again by Life. It’s a cycle that seems to be unbreakable.

      I’m hoping to start some Yoga and see if that helps me mentally and physically. God knows I have psychosomatic symptoms has a result to all this negativity.

      March 4, 2015 at 11:24 pm Reply
  • Belkys

    By the way, I love this as a short story to be interpreted by high school seniors as part of a class discussion and/or essays.

    February 27, 2015 at 9:18 pm Reply
    • soulconalas

      Really? I wonder what they would say? At that age you aren’t as tainted by life as you are when you are in your 30s.

      March 4, 2015 at 11:25 pm Reply
  • Jen D.

    My friend! It’s been way too long. This post reminds me of this saying, ‘A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor’. Life has a way of kicking your teeth in and dragging you through the mud but, it also has a way of wrapping you in love that is so fierce that it makes your head spin. On those days when she has you at your lowest you look that bitch in the eye and slap the face off her head. If I need a little extra oomph on those particular days I’ll say this quote out loud: My will is mine. I shall not make it soft for you. Love me some Greek mythology. I find that it suits my dramatic tendencies. 😉 Another good one I like to say is, ‘this too shall pass’. Because it’s been my experience that it usually does.

    Whatever your troubles, you keep your head up and smile that beautiful smile.

    March 1, 2015 at 5:35 pm Reply
  • Jen D.

    My friend! It’s been way too long. This post reminds me of this saying, ‘A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor’. Life has a way of kicking your teeth in and dragging you through the mud but, it also has a way of wrapping you in love that is so fierce that it makes your head spin. On those days when she has you at your lowest you look that bitch in the eye and slap the face off her head. If I need a little extra oomph on those particular days I’ll say this quote out loud: My will is mine. I shall not make it soft for you. Love me some Greek mythology. I find that it suits my dramatic tendencies. 😉 Another good one I like to say is, ‘this too shall pass’. Because it’s been my experience that it usually does.

    Whatever your troubles, you keep your head up and smile that beautiful smile.

    March 1, 2015 at 5:37 pm Reply
    • soulconalas

      It’s so nice to hear from you.

      Ah. Wouldn’t you know that’s one of my favorite sayings? “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.” I actually had that one in mind as I was writing this piece.

      Thank you for your encouraging and supportive words. I really appreciate them. I can hear your voice while I read your response and I smiled. A smile you use to be able to always get out of me back in the day.

      March 4, 2015 at 11:18 pm Reply
      • Jen D.

        Anytime my friend. Glad to hear I haven’t lost my touch. 😉 Should you ever need anything whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, someone to hug it out with or a partner in ice cream eating crime don’t hesitate to reach out.

        Stoked that we were able to reconnect. Funny how the universe does that, eh.

        March 5, 2015 at 11:38 am Reply
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