InMeditations

Muddled Thoughts

Negligence can leave one remorseful, though the bitch was never invited.

I have abandoned my writing this past month. Well, that’s not entirely true. I have been writing. It’s just that it’s all a flaming pile of shit. Hence, why I see it as a month of absolute deterioration in my routine. Each word I utter, each sentence I create are reflections of desperation and a dearth of passion.  It’s like the stories from Dick and Jane, “Look, said Dick. See it go. See it go up. Jane said, Oh look! See it go. See it go up. Up, up, said Sally. Go up, up, up.” I mean c’mon! Those sentences are complete and arrant stupidity. So where is inspiration? I expected her to remain loyal. (I’m too optimistic for my own good) But!- And I ask. Who can write without inspiration? And come to think of it, do I only write when I’m inspired? Ok. So I need to give in to introspection. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. I have lost my flow darn it! I should start reciting incantations to save myself! And I know what you’re thinking. It can’t be that bad right? Oh it is. And I’m not talking second class either. That would still be a-ok in my standards of crappy writing days.  No. My writing has become like India’s Bhangis, the lowest of the Untouchable castes. – And let’s not kid ourselves here. This is not progress. I am just at the point where even if it is crap, to hell with it. I’m writing and posting. I will admit there have been some distractions, and nothing noteworthy either. Well that’s not entirely true either. I’m in the process of a personal transformation. A big one! One of those that challenge paradigms and alter them completely. However, I still resent myself for it. For being Authorial incapacitated. –And I make the attempt. I sit on my bed with my laptop and block out the fucking noise that resides right outside my window. I hear taxis honking their horns, MTA buses screeching their tires as they come to a stop, the homeless man with a plastic cup in his hand, who stands right in front of Starbucks and sings for several hours his one word song. What’s the word? I could not tell you for the life of me. But if you ever do hear him, please tell me. He may just be saying the word scratch, but there is undoubtedly intense passion in his voice. “Scraaaaaaaaaatch! Scuuuuuu-araaaaaaaatch!” Was that necessary? And then there’s the construction work going on across the street, in front of the ConEdison building, as the men in their bright yellow uniforms begin their drilling with no consideration to the quiet I need. With that being said, the daily hullabaloo on 3rd Avenue has never really impeded me from writing. I’m not encumbered by personal baggage. If only I can summon my thoughts! Let’s face it. When I want to say something, I will and I’ll lose myself in the process as well, blocking out everyone and everything. The sound of my phone is always off and my fingers are delicately placed on my keyboard while I pound each letter as I become more indignant. So in the middle of this juvenile rant, all I’m able to conjure is this: Muddled Thoughts

I had a dream that I was in Miami. (Let me rephrase that. That’s a nightmare.)

Don’t forget to omit the honey. It’s a bit sour, but I’ll survive.

Let me see. What time is it? 9:24am. I should write until 12pm. Then go to Yoga and run after that.

Should I make the Kale smoothie before?

I need to buy garlic and green chili. I don’t need the green chili until next week. I’ll just by the garlic.

I want an apron from Anthropologie. I don’t care if that sounds archaic.

I have to walk to Lexington. Seems like it’s a nice day. I should enjoy the walk.

Need to build the food processor today before I cook. Where’s the manual? I loathe reading manuals. I’ll try without the manual first.

My best friend is pregnant with her first child. I need to buy her a gift.  Should I buy what I found on Etsy? I don’t think she’ll like it.

My brother said he’d call at 4pm today after work to catch up.  Should I text him to confirm?

My sister hasn’t responded to my text. She’s probably in class. It’s not important anyway.

Abby leaves on Friday. I should write her the e-mail before she leaves.

I need to buy the frame for my great-grandmother’s picture. She was so beautiful. I see so much of my mother in her.

The floors are shining! So happy the cleaning woman came yesterday.

I should go down and give the homeless man some money.

I’m getting hungry. Or am I? Need to learn not to confuse emotional hunger for being actually hungry.

I should call the general practitioner today and ask if they can test me on Candida. I hope they can.

How is the baby doing?

So many idiots in NYU Hospital’s billing department.

Why can’t I write? Where’s my story? Am I lost?

This is bullshit.

 

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14 Comments

  • Yessy

    Funny. This is how I feel a lot of the time. My thoughts are usually clear as mud. Hmph…

    April 10, 2013 at 10:13 pm Reply
    • soulconalas

      So it’s not just me? 😉 “Clear as mud” precisely.

      April 11, 2013 at 3:27 pm Reply
  • Belkys Yeste

    Very comical. I loved it.

    April 11, 2013 at 2:39 pm Reply
    • soulconalas

      Tia Belkys,

      Happy, happy, happy you enjoyed it! Still hoping you’ll create your own blog one day. I’ll be your number one fan.

      Love you.

      April 11, 2013 at 3:27 pm Reply
  • Jennifer A. Post

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading your muddled thought. I think your readers will enjoy reading what you put out, regardless of whether it is a “contained” (for lack of a better word) topic or something you are really wanting to write. Perhaps getting out all of these thoughts will open up the way for what you want to write, what you desire to write. Because although these thoughts and preoccupations are all mundane and nothing is “plaguing” you per se, we still have to deal with day-to-day life and we can’t abandon it. So keep on writing whatever you feel at the moment. I believe it will make room, clear the way, for the things you want to say.

    And something tells me your best friend will love whatever you get her! 😉

    April 12, 2013 at 9:10 am Reply
    • Jennifer A. Post

      And I’m loving the whole apron thing!!!! I need a picture!! Not archaic! Chefs use it all the time of course. Means you’re getting down and dirty in the kitchen!!!

      April 12, 2013 at 9:12 am Reply
      • soulconalas

        Whether or not it is archaic, it didn’t stop me from buying my adorable apron. I started using it yesterday, and I feel great in it.

        April 13, 2013 at 4:33 pm Reply
    • soulconalas

      Thank you Green Eyes. That’s what I said to myself. If I can’t write what I “desire” to write right now, and I’m not certain what that is exactly either, I may as well write my problem with doing so. I figured either way, I’m writing. Right?

      Let’s hope she does like it, though I’m still back and forth. 😉

      April 13, 2013 at 4:32 pm Reply
  • zhoniu

    Awww…..We all go through this phase of time in our follow for creativity but all this pass because that little thing left in us keeps knocking and banging the door as time pass. It will concur and soon u will write the best story ever. Been there myself for sometime but i think i am out now ahahaha….Nice read and thank you 🙂

    April 13, 2013 at 3:05 pm Reply
    • soulconalas

      I concur. As a writer, and I’m sure this applies to all artists, we’ll have our good days and our bad days. I think what I need to learn is make the most out of my bad days. – And I am learning! But the passion does not cease as you say. It’s always there….breathing inside me.

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Come back soon!

      April 17, 2013 at 1:35 pm Reply
  • Diana

    Your “muddled thoughts” are engaging and captivating. You have a talent…a way with words (as cliche as that may sound). Your writing is something that I, as a “non-writer” (unless it’s a legal document), can relate to…you catch my attention and my imagination. Your words come to life with every sentence I read. As I read this entry I could picture you sitting there….your thoughts, your frustrations. Mainly because a lot of the same thoughts were going through my own head, maybe I just can’t express it as well…but I’m glad someone out there can!

    April 15, 2013 at 6:48 pm Reply
    • soulconalas

      Hi Diana,

      Thank your for sharing the feelings this piece evoked in you. I’m happy to here it moved you.

      By the way, writing legal documents makes you writer. 😉

      Do come back soon!

      April 17, 2013 at 12:34 pm Reply
  • Raquel

    Hahah I really liked this. Very Benjy-esque from The Sound and The Fury. Hope you’ve read that, otherwise the metaphor is lost, but I recommend you read it, if not! In all of the chaos, there is still and order and acute sense of the world around you. I think despite you feeling muddled, the post comes across very clear.

    April 17, 2013 at 12:27 pm Reply
    • soulconalas

      Hi Raquel,

      Sorry haven’t read it.

      Thank you for reading it and happy to hear you got a laugh out of it at least!

      April 17, 2013 at 1:26 pm Reply

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